Earlier today I read the first chapter of Howard Thurman's Jesus and the Disinherited. What struck me was Thurman's description of the different types of people in Jesus' day, specifically how they dealt with the Roman Empire's dominion of Israel. The two options, prior to the coming of Jesus were conform or rebel. There were even names for how people dealt with that conflict: the Sadducees, who conformed; the Zealots, who acted out; and lastly, the Pharisees. Thurman's description of the Pharisees basically boiled down to "people who are inwardly seething, but do nothing to act on it." This is a paraphrase, but it was the impression I got from what Thurman wrote. And now, I have a confession:
I have been, and probably still am, a Pharisee.
I feel bad about it, but that doesn't really change anything. I was an outsider in middle school, and even when I got to high school and people stopped picking on me, the damage was done already. Instead of acting out for myself or trying to be like the people around me, I strove to make myself invisible while nursing a grudge. To make things worse, I spent years believing I was a "good christian" because I didn't do anything "bad"; I got good grades, went to church, lived at (and attended) a summer camp. I'm not in high school anymore, and I realized years ago that my smoldering anger and bitterness toward that situation were only hurting me. But the habits of the Pharisee are hard to break, and I find myself falling into them in little ways. What I need to get into are the habits of Jesus, who made another option. Jesus did not conform to the will of the Roman Empire, and he did not lead an outright rebellion against the state. He humbled himself and therefore was not humiliated. He served by choice and so could not be forced into service. I want to be like Jesus in that way. In the words of an old song, "I don't wanna be a Pharisee...'cause they're not fair, you see."
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You are not alone. I think this is definitely a huge issue for many in today's society. In my mind I am a huge activist for justice and love, but in reality it is very hard to do. Thurman mentions that Jesus worked to radically change the inner attitude of people, and that is was through the heart that people can really be changed (pg 21). You mention serving by choice and not because you are being forced. For Christian Spirituality I was basically forced (it was an assignment) to serve in one of the Umin outreaches. I went into it not sure of what would happen and found out that serving others has been something that has been missing in my life. So in a sense, being forced into service made me see how important it is, so I keep going. While this is not really the "forced" that you, or Jesus, was probably talking about, for me it worked out well.
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